We Shi Pang Mei Guo Ren (I'm a Fat American)

On the first day we arrived, I received a stained, starchy sheet and covers with a pillow. It appeared to be repackaged. I gave this very little thought and continued to use it- as everything in China seems slightly stained, starchy, repackaged, or a combination thereof. You have to figure, if the Chinese have propagated more than a billion people under these conditions, they're doing something right.

I put everything on my bed and slept soundly for a few nights before I developed a rash. I won't regale you with specifics. Suffice it to say that I developed a rash and identified the blanket as the cause. I bought a new set of blankets and my skin recovered in suit.

Then, tonight I received a letter.

It should be said first that since coming to China, I have tried in every possible way to assimilate, observe and respect cultural differences and above all- not offend. I over-apologize and "please" and "thank you" like I'm breathing. It's what you have to do when you have no idea what's going on.

I have learned a great deal in the way of courtesy in China, though. For example, do not stick your chopsticks in your food- rather, lay them gracefully across the top of your bowl when you are finished eating. Do not laugh uproariously with your mouth agape slapping your knee- especially if you are a lady. Do not step on the bottom of a door frame when entering someones house- this is a sign of disrespect and may or may not let ghosts inside.

ANYWAY- these are things I've learned.

There are many things I still have yet to learn. Tonight I received a letter informing me that bedding had been found in the garbage. The letter was written by the school's Foreign Affairs Office whose stance was a concise but clear, "We feel sorry about that". They also added, "Please treasure facilities and utensils".

Apparently, this was a serious faux pas and enormous offense. And apparently, I am the unveiled culprit. In all fairness, I was never told that the blankets were meant to be returned and I'm fairly certain they made my skin turn into scales. Nevertheless, I may have successfully brought shame to the families and ancestors of every administrator in the Foreign Affairs Office.